A Big Pile of Whatever.

Apparently a lot has happened since my last post.

Eric went from telling me that he's considering getting two jobs so that we can have separate apartments, to buying me a new dress and shoes to go out on a double date with Claudia and her husband Jason, to telling me that it's OK that I drank two $11 martinis because I'm worth it.

I have to admit, the lightning speed with which he lets go of an argument leaves me floundering. I hold grudges. Mean grudges. LONG grudges. And when he lets go of it so fast, I also kinda feel like I got robbed of some of my indignation.

I'm trying to move on and get over it. But I'm feeling a little doubtful--not just of Eric, but of both of us. Harsh, mean things were said, and I don't really believe that people say things that they don't mean. Which means on some level, he's considering/has considered divorce.

I'm making amends in my own way. I've deleted all my notes off of Facebook because even though I thought he understood that sometimes I simply need to vent (as I expect he would, too), I did not ever once intend to hurt his feelings. The fact that I did is my fault, and all I can do now is apologize and remove the content that offended him. I think that's reasonable.

But at some point, I guess we both have to stop making the other apologize and finish with all the harboring ill will. Either we need to sincerely forgive each other (which I'm working on, but I'm wounded. Really wounded. I hate being characterized as the bad guy when I haven't done anything that I feel MAKES me a bad guy)...or we need to make a very tough decision.

Thankfully, though, today is not the day for such deciding. Things are evening their keel, and I plan to force myself to take advantage of that instead of second guessing at every step.