Go figure--the 80's lyric quiz was easy, the 90's? Not so much. Interesting.
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So, it's a brand new year, and I apparently am going to start out my 2009 by considering how much of a failure I am.
You see, I never thought that I'd be a stay at home Mom. I never thought I'd have children--or get married or any of that shit. I thought I'd go to med school and become a Pediatrician. That was the plan. For a bit, when I was little, I thought I wanted to be a bird. And then a lawyer. But after that, I knew I'd be a pediatrician. Everything I did was accomplished with an eye toward medical school. I majored in Biology and did the EMT gig and did everything I could to get to the point where I could take the MCAT and go to medical school.
Then in my senior year of college, I met a boy. A boy named Eric. And although it didn't happen right away, everything changed.
So, instead, I got married to that boy. And I had a series of jobs that couldn't accurately be called career paths. And before I knew it, I had a baby girl named Peyton. My job sucked and I loathed my boss and going to work every night made me cry. And that boy I met named Eric cared enough about me and my sanity that he told me I could quit my job.
It started with the wedding, but things really changed four years ago when my path swerved viciously from Working Mom to Stay At Home Mom. At first, it was a change I embraced. I always knew that when it came time, I'd be the one staying home with the kids. Eric and I planned that before we even got married--it's what we both wanted, and STILL want, for our family. If it had been switched and if I had made more money than Eric at the time, then he'd be the one staying home.
So, here I am thinking that I'm paying for student loans on a degree that I've never used. I'm at home with my girls and this is the example I'm setting for them--one of wasted potential, of dreams willfully abandoned.
*sigh* There are people who graduated high school when I did who are engineers, who are doing what they love--who are NEUROSURGEONS. And I stay at home with my girls.
Is this really the best decision? Am I doing the right thing? Shouldn't I be teaching them how to be strong women--am I doing that by staying home and not doing what I always wanted to do? I always thought that women who chose to stay at home with their children were doing the right thing, but am I?
I wonder if my Mom's disappointed in me.
4 comments:
I have to be tough love on you for a second.
You are a brilliant, funny woman who is raising two daughters and going through life doing the best you can. Maybe there are grand things in your future. Maybe there's quiet happiness in your future.
If something happened to you tomorrow, the time you've spent raising Peyton would be the most precious gift you could have given her.
Life is too short to be so hard on yourself. Especially at the start of a new year.
There are blessings everywhere! And you are one of them.
Smooch.
When you get old, do you really think you will look back and say "I really wish I would have spent more time working (out of the house), or do you think if you worked full time, you might look back and wish you had spent more time with your children.
No mom staying home is wasted potential IMO. If you don't like it, and resent your children for it, then by all means you should work. But if you like staying home (ok, most of the time anyway) and it is what you want, then working would be VERY wasted potential.
That is just my opinion. :)
Hugs
Besides, you can always go back to work when they are in school... which is only 5 years away. ;)
I know you're both right. I'm just feeling gloom and doom lately--actually, it's that AND an extreme lack of energy. I talked to my doctor today, and there might be a biological reason for all of this--because I absolutely DO NOT resent staying home with them. I adore that I have all day to spend with my girls instead of having to cram all my time with them in after work and on weekends.
And there's no saying that I can't do what I want to do once the girls are in school, like you said, Laura. My career dreams aren't crushed, just delayed.
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